Miscarriage

Finding Some Closure

January 1, 2019-

Finally feeling like I closed a chapter and am ready for a new one. I was talking to a friend today and she pointed out and asked if I knew what bees actually do. We talked for a minute about how they are so tiny but have such a huge impact on the environment around them. It’s amazing how small our Baby Bee was but how huge of a impact it made on our family. There is so much good that has come from Baby Bee. The main focus for me during the pregnancy was to prepare my home to be more functional, cleaner, and easy to maintain. Ideally I was preparing for a home birth. I was so scared that I would not be able to do it. That I would never have all main rooms clean at one time. That my environment would feel chaotic and stressful for a birth. However even through the loss I still worked for it. I knew that I had started a journey in this pregnancy that I had to complete. Whole my house is still not perfect, I cant proudly say “I’m leave for a VK with all main rooms of my house clean!!!” There is not even laundry to come home to. After getting all the cleaning was done (which was the original goal for the homebirth that I never thought I would complete) we got to celebrate the short time we did get to have with Baby Bee and the impact it had on us. We got this beautiful planter/bee house in remembrance of our Baby Bee. Mason bees (non stinging) will lay eggs and birth there babys in the bamboo shoots on the bottom. Planted in the top is all kinds of pollination flowers that will hopefully bloom in the spring. We are looking forward to nature receiving life from the remembrance of Baby Bee. We are now in the car on the way to the airport to Colorado for a week of family bonding and to refresh our minds and souls to see what the Lord has for us for 2019. Thank you everyone who has poured into us during this time. The words of encouragement, meals, and gifts. Our village is amazing and we could not be more thankful.

Miscarriage

Being Transparent

December 12, 2018- Handling the miscarriage today was hard emotionally and physically. I had a doctors appointment, we spent some needed time with family, and went to look at Christmas lights with some friends at a small display. I did okay. I was feeling okay. I wanted to try and be “normal” for the day but the waves of emotions hit in the doctors office. They hit in conversations with friends. They hit really hard when I arrived home. It’s the end of the day I was tired (because I really probably did to much). Julian goes back to work tomorrow and the thought of parenting alone tomorrow is a little overwhelming. I cried. I cried a lot. I spent time in my prayer closet with God asking him all kinds of questions telling him everything I was feeling. BEING TRANSPARENT WITH HIM. You see I finally understood that if I dont become transparent with God how can I be with anyone else. How can God use me if I’m not giving him my all, including my feelings. ALL MY FEELINGS the good, bad, and ugly! You see God wants us to tell him our thoughts and feelings. Just like we crave that relationship with our children, he craves it with us. When I was crying out to the Lord in my closet I heard the Lord say “Open your bible”. I reached for it and realized it was not in my closet with me. I huffed out of frustration (because it was not conveniently there) but got up to go get it. When I came back and sat down to read nothing seemed to apply. I was like “Okay God what are you tell me” suddenly Lincoln walked in. He opened my closet door and I asked what he was doing. He said he had a song to sing. His song was a prayer. After his prayer he asked me to read him a story of baby Jesus. After the story he told me he wanted to love and cuddle me and make me feel better because he knew Baby Bee was not in my belly anymore (yes we told him yesterday morning but was not sure if he fully understood). My heart was broken and full at the same time. He has barely seen me cry (and never anything more than a few small tears rolling down my face) as I never wanted to put that responsibility on him. I knew in that moment why God said “open your bible”. It never was for me to receive anything from it but for me to minister to my son when he walked in. It was a filling moment for me to realize I may not understand why I’m going through things, but my example to my children of how to handle the curve balls life throws at you means more to me than understanding the why behind my trial. Life is full of trials but when you have a foundation to stand on you know your trials will pass and your creator is there. He sees you and your pain but when you run to him you will find comfort and healing. I’m building that foundation in my children now. I’m thankful for the doors God opens to allow me to minister to my children. So if you’ve made it through this long drawn out post here’s a pic of my sweet, loving, and silly little boy.