I got checked on June 1st, 2017 at 11:30am. I was at a 2 and 50% effaced. I had a few contractions throughout the day but nothing major or consistent. I went about my day as normal. I was excited to birth this baby. I had no expectations for this birth. After Lincolns birth I went the opposite extreme and was just going to wing it. I felt completely okay with that decision. I was not going to be specific about what would and wouldn’t take place during the birth. I didn’t write a birth plan. I was just going to go with the flow. At midnight contractions started. I went and took a hot bath to see if they would go away so I could get some rest. I assumed that since Lincolns birth was so long that this labor and birth would be around half the time as his. Contractions went from 7 minutes apart to 2 minutes apart in less than 20 minutes. I got out of the tub and immediately everything intensified. I had no idea where I was, but figured I was right around a 6. All I could think and say was “I’m not doing this again!”. I was terrified of being in the same position I was last time. I wanted to get to the hospital and get a epidural ASAP! I didn’t even care that I was choosing it out of fear not out of what I truly wanted. I called my mom to come over to watch the Lincoln and she was over within the hour. I quietly as possible snuck in my sons room and gave him one last kiss on the head before we left knowing that his life was about to be changed. He would no longer be the only child. My mom helped me get in the car and as I went to sit down Rosalie completely flipped. Julian was flying to the hospital as fast as we could go. All I could do was beg to get there so someone could help me. We pulled up to the hospital at 2:30am. When we arrive Julian parked on the side of the road, left me in the car, and ran in to find a wheel chair. There was no wheel chairs and no one around to help. He continued to yell for help. As he jumped over the desk to grab a rolling desk chair, someone finally came around the corner and found him a wheel chair. He ran back to the car to get me and took off sprinting for the L&D floor. The whole way there I was screaming “SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!”. I sounded and looked like one of the crazy birthing ladies in the movies. Once we got in the delivery room the midwife came and checked me. I was at a 10 and ready to push. I told her I wanted a epidural. She told me I was not able to have one. I very firmly told her that I knew you could get a epidural at a 10 because I had one with my son at a 10. She told me “It takes 30 min of paperwork and we don’t have time for that. Shes coming now”. To which I replied “Why when you want a natural birth you don’t get one and when you don’t want one, that’s what you get!” She said “Its okay, I can get you some nitrous”. I accepted that since it was my only option. The nitrous didn’t remove any of the feeling but at least gave me something to focus on. 18 minutes after stepping on the L&D floor she was born natural Vbac at 3:03am. Most people would look at this story and feel complete success and victory. I feel like I experience a completely different form of Birth Trauma. With Lincoln I felt like the frog that is placed in water and gradually brought to a boil. It was intense but my body had time to adjust and I had time to focus. With Rosalie I felt like the frog thrown into the pot of boiling water. It was quick and intense. Both outcomes are equally traumatic and have the same outcome but the process was very different. Am I thankful there were not as many interventions or problems with Rosalie’s birth? Of course I am! However that doesn’t mean that it was a great, empowering experience. I realize now If I would have had someone to focus me I think I would have felt different about it. I didn’t prepare correctly. Instead of looking at Lincolns birth and processing through that to make Rosalies birth better, I just ignored my feelings and thought that would fix the problem. I should have been intentional. I think about how that relates to our relationship with God. If we are not intentional in spending time with him, we can not expect a better life. If we do not put time into talking with God and giving him our thoughts and feelings how can we expect to be filled with joy and peace. He tells us if we come to him that he will provide us with all our needs according to his will. What “need” do you need to give to the Lord? Have you spent time with him and told him your true feelings? Your need may be big or small but no need is un-met by God. If your reading this and are or have experienced PPD, PPA, PTSD, Birth Trauma, or Baby Blues, Please talk to someone. I promise you are not alone! The more I share my story with others the more I have healed and realized I am not the only one. Start your healing journey now. It maybe hard and difficult but its worth it.