Identity

I’m To Busy God….

Do you ever have those moments you feel God calling you to something and you tell yourself… “That’s a great idea but I’m to busy God”. Honestly that’s how I feel in this very moment. Life has been chaotic lately. I mean when is life not chaotic though? I told myself that today I was going to get all kinds of things done. I was not going to using the excuse that life is to chaotic and I’m so exhausted that any downtime I get is MINE TO DO WHAT I LIKE. I’m going to clean out the spare living room from the mess that was made by replacing our AC unit and hot water heater. I’m going to cut the dogs hair and give them baths. I’m going to clean the kids bathroom and rooms. If I have anytime left then maybe I will take some “me time” or find something else that needs to be done.

Today was going to be productive! I was going to do it all!!!! I don’t know why we always try to convince ourselves of that. Maybe its the “I AM WOMEN HEAR ME ROAR” mentality or maybe its the comparing that we do with each other. We think every other women has it all together so why shouldn’t we have it together too? So it came, Monday morning was here and of course the unexpected happens. My son wakes up at 6:30am screaming his neck hurts and cant move it. We bring him to our bed and try to calm him down thinking that he just slept wrong and needs to stretch it. he continues to cry till 8:30am. At this point I call our chiropractor and get him a appointment for 9am. I rush and grab my daughter out of bed and carry them both to the car and off to the Chiro we go with my son still in his jammies because it was a 20min drive and we couldn’t miss the appt. We find out that he is having neck spasms and they can last for 3-4 days then will go away. He has limited movement and its very painful.

His comfy little set up! Of course mommy and daddy’s bed is better than the couch.

We get home and I get him situated with a day full of cartoons (No judgement Plz 😉). I finally get the chance to start doing all the things for the day. I start by vacuuming my floors. Then I moved to the crazy spare room and start in there. I start getting in the swing of things and start to feel productive and then it happens. I hear the words “Stop and write”. I told him “Yes that’s a great idea but, I’m busy God. I will do it later when I get done with this”. I continued to put things away but the words of what he wanted me to write about just came flowing in. He again told me a little louder “Stop and Write”. My response this time was similar. ” Yes all those things are great to write about, I will do it later when I’m done”. I again continued to put stuff away and try to distract myself by racking my brain on how to reorganize the craft closet.

The crazy spare room! This is what closing down a business, cleaning out the kids rooms, making a donation pile and having to empty a entire craft closet to replace the AC and Hot water heater looks like. This is REAL LIFE! This was my “Busy” 😯🙈😬

Again he spoke to me but with more force this time “STOP AND WRITE”. Now I was frustrated. I started to argue with God. “Why God? Why now? I’m finally getting something accomplished and you want me to stop and write? I can write much better if I know my stuff is done! I can write better if my kids are napping and not distracting me! Please just let me do it later”. Right then my son yelled for me from the other room. He needed help with the TV. I had a moment of thinking ” HA! See I can’t write right now I’m to busy God”. I helped my son and then headed back to the spare room to work. I finally cleared the thought of writing and was ready to refocus but God had other plans. In a soft voice he said to me ” How can you write about stopping to listening to God if your not doing it yourself?” Man!!!!!!!! Don’t you love those moments that God makes its SOOOOO clear what his will for you is. You see today has not been the only day he has asked me to write. He’s been seeking me out for a few weeks now. Probing me almost daily to sit and write, He’s been downloading topics and words into my head to share with other women and I have continued to tell him “I’m to busy God”. The thing about God though is he always wins against the battle of the flesh. He will continue to pursue you no matter how many times you turn him down or tell him “I’m to busy God”. Does it mean when you finally give in and listen that its going to be easy? No its not! I did not get a uninterrupted writing time. In fact I have been more interrupted by my kids in the last hour than I have all day. I have wiped a butt, stopped the kids from playing with the ceiling fan strings, broke up the kids from fighting twice, kept my daughter from pushing buttons on my laptop, and several other things which is why its taken me a hour to write this. Listening and Obeying is not always easy but I know now that I’m wrapping this up that is not going to be all for nothing. Someone needed to hear this and that is more important than a clean room. So I ask you what are you telling God your to busy for? Is it leading a bible study, prayer, or quite time with him. Is it helping a friend, inviting someone to church, or witnessing to others? Maybe its simply having a relationship with him and trusting him as your Lord and Savoir. If you have never done that before there is no better time for that than now! NOTHING is more important than your salvation. Not the dishes, laundry, your job or any other distraction. I would be honored to help you with that if you would like to send me a message. So I leave you with this Ladies. Put down the thing that is making you busy and surrender to what the Lord has for you. You will not regret it and you will find blessings.

Identity

The Hospital

I have such a love/hate relationship with the hospital. I for sure am thankful we have them, but I definitely don’t want me or my family to be there. Yet there’s this strange feeling of relief when you are. Its like your surrounded with a since of security. You know if a emergency happens you have everything you need right there. You feel capable of handling anything that comes your way. Not to mention the fact that you are literally forced to sit and do nothing because you have no choice but to do that right now. There’s also another side of it. The “What in the world is going on?” side. The feeling of how did it come to this. How did this all even happen? What signs did I miss? How could I have avoided this? The fear that something major will be wrong. The fear of judgment that you may receive about your decisions as a parent. The upset emotions that you feel because your baby is sick, but also the guilt that you feel because you are upset about it and after all “It could be much worse”. The feeling of being completely helpless. You have no choice but to depend on others for help. You have no choice but to accept the doctors recommendations and for the most part trust that his decisions for your child are the best ones. At times you feel moments of peace but other times its chaos. You look out the window and wonder what the rest of the world is doing and you almost feel as if its all another reality. After all your “Trapped” here. Once your admitted they don’t just let you go when you want. They have to discharge you first. Sometimes you get the answers you want and sometimes you don’t. When you really think about it no one goes to the hospital because they are well. They go because they are sick. They need help. They need access to medications, testing, and resources. As I sit here and type I think about the role God plays as the hospital for our soul. We don’t usually run to God when everything is great. We run to him when there’s a emergency. When something is wrong and we need help. Even though we may have missed some signs along the way that would have avoided us having a emergency, He still opens up his arms to us and gives us everything we need. He gives us spiritual medicine. He begins to heal us as long as we trust his decisions for our life. There’s times we may feel like we are going though test after test in life, but those test are refining us and providing the foundation to heal us of our worldly sins and desires. These test help us find the problem with our soul. We may have moments we look out the window and long for the “other world” but we have no way to get there unless he releases us. He has to make sure we are ready to handle it. That we are not only ready for the blessings that came with leaving the “hospital”, but that we are ready for a battle if we approach one. Once released we will have a new outlook on life. We should walk out a new person, not the hurting or angry person we were walking into his presence. I ask you today, Do you need to run to the hospital? Do you need a medical encounter with God? What do you need to do to renew in your mind. Maybe its a easy fix and you just need some medicine or it maybe a hard fix and some surgery might be needed. No matter what needs to happen, you will never get to see the world for what it is until you have chosen to run to the “hospital”. You will continue to get worse and worse until you have no other option but to go to him or choose death in your spirit. He wants to restore you but he cant go to your house and get you. You must run to him in the emergency, seeking his help and resources. If you go I promise you will not be released until you have been renewed. He has a plan and although you may wonder why or how you got here, I promise the hospital stay will all be worth it.

Birth Trauma

Rosalies Birth Story

 I got checked on June 1st, 2017 at 11:30am. I was at a 2 and 50% effaced. I had a few contractions throughout the day but nothing major or consistent. I went about my day as normal. I was excited to birth this baby. I had no expectations for this birth. After Lincolns birth I went the opposite extreme and was just going to wing it. I felt completely okay with that decision. I was not going to be specific about what would and wouldn’t take place during the birth. I didn’t write a birth plan. I was just going to go with the flow. At midnight contractions started. I went and took a hot bath to see if they would go away so I could get some rest. I assumed that since Lincolns birth was so long that this labor and birth would be around half the time as his. Contractions went from 7 minutes apart to 2 minutes apart in less than 20 minutes. I got out of the tub and immediately everything intensified. I had no idea where I was, but figured I was right around a 6. All I could think and say was “I’m not doing this again!”. I was terrified of being in the same position I was last time. I wanted to get to the hospital and get a epidural ASAP! I didn’t even care that I was choosing it out of fear not out of what I truly wanted. I called my mom to come over to watch the Lincoln and she was over within the hour. I quietly as possible snuck in my sons room and gave him one last kiss on the head before we left knowing that his life was about to be changed. He would no longer be the only child. My mom helped me get in the car and as I went to sit down Rosalie completely flipped. Julian was flying to the hospital as fast as we could go. All I could do was beg to get there so someone could help me. We pulled up to the hospital at 2:30am. When we arrive Julian parked on the side of the road, left me in the car, and ran in to find a wheel chair. There was no wheel chairs and no one around to help. He continued to yell for help. As he jumped over the desk to grab a rolling desk chair, someone finally came around the corner and found him a wheel chair. He ran back to the car to get me and took off sprinting for the L&D floor. The whole way there I was screaming “SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!”. I sounded and looked like one of the crazy birthing ladies in the movies. Once we got in the delivery room the midwife came and checked me. I was at a 10 and ready to push. I told her I wanted a epidural. She told me I was not able to have one. I very firmly told her that I knew you could get a epidural at a 10 because I had one with my son at a 10. She told me “It takes 30 min of paperwork and we don’t have time for that. Shes coming now”. To which I replied “Why when you want a natural birth you don’t get one and when you don’t want one, that’s what you get!” She said “Its okay, I can get you some nitrous”. I accepted that since it was my only option. The nitrous didn’t remove any of the feeling but at least gave me something to focus on. 18 minutes after stepping on the L&D floor she was born natural Vbac at 3:03am. Most people would look at this story and feel complete success and victory. I feel like I experience a completely different form of Birth Trauma. With Lincoln I felt like the frog that is placed in water and gradually brought to a boil. It was intense but my body had time to adjust and I had time to focus. With Rosalie I felt like the frog thrown into the pot of boiling water. It was quick and intense. Both outcomes are equally traumatic and have the same outcome but the process was very different. Am I thankful there were not as many interventions or problems with Rosalie’s birth? Of course I am! However that doesn’t mean that it was a great, empowering experience. I realize now If I would have had someone to focus me I think I would have felt different about it. I didn’t prepare correctly. Instead of looking at Lincolns birth and processing through that to make Rosalies birth better, I just ignored my feelings and thought that would fix the problem. I should have been intentional. I think about how that relates to our relationship with God. If we are not intentional in spending time with him, we can not expect a better life. If we do not put time into talking with God and giving him our thoughts and feelings how can we expect to be filled with joy and peace. He tells us if we come to him that he will provide us with all our needs according to his will. What “need” do you need to give to the Lord? Have you spent time with him and told him your true feelings? Your need may be big or small but no need is un-met by God. If your reading this and are or have experienced PPD, PPA, PTSD, Birth Trauma, or Baby Blues, Please talk to someone. I promise you are not alone! The more I share my story with others the more I have healed and realized I am not the only one. Start your healing journey now. It maybe hard and difficult but its worth it.

Birth Trauma

Lincolns Birth Story

Warning this contains graphic information. Okay here it goes…….

On Thursday November 20th, 2014 I was checked. I just hit 41 weeks and was at a 3 and 80% effaced. No contractions or anything. I was excited to be that far and felt empowered, so I spent all Thursday night and all day Friday just walking. Friday night I went to the mall to walk and contractions started. I walked the mall for 2 hours with contractions painful enough for me to hold on to the railings on the second floor. At one point a guy even walked by me and said ” pregnancy is not doing that girl good”. I just kinda chucked and kept walking. I tried to go home and rest but active labor started that night at 10 pm. I was having consistent contractions and they were 5 min apart so we headed up to the hospital. I was excited to meet my baby and ready for “Battle”. I knew exactly what I wanted for my birth. I planned a all natural birth with no interventions. Ideally I wanted a beautiful water birth just like I saw in the loads of birth videos I watched. Julian and I had done over 60 hours of natural birthing classes and felt prepared to deal with whatever may come our way. I knew that it would be painful but was mentally ready to go. I was going to show everyone including myself what “God made a womens body to do”. I was going to be strong in my birth and not take orders from anyone. It was gong to be peaceful and empowering! We got to the hospital and I waited to be checked by the midwife. She said “You look great! Your a 3 and 80% effaced” My heart sank I really thought I was further than that. Despite the disappointment I was still ready to birth this baby. She said we would watch my progress for a bit and see what happens. We went walking the halls and a hour later she checked me again. Nothing changed, so she recommended stripping my membranes and I agreed. Another midwife took over and in a few hours I jumped to a 6/7. I got in the tub and labored for several hours just rocking back and forth in the water. I thought I was progressing by the intensity of the contractions. The contractions were so strong in the water I was almost slipping under the water during them. My family was holding my up during the contractions. I started to feel the need to push so I started “pushing” some but they wanted me to stop because I was not ready. It was almost impossible to not push. I felt as if my body did it on its own. At one point another midwife was called in because they thought I may give birth at the same time as someone else. All of a sudden things started to change. I stopped progressing. my water broke but nothing more, so my Doula suggested getting out of the water. I vividly remember the feeling of getting out of the water. I was so cold. I felt like I walked into the freezer. I headed to labored in the shower to keep warm but that didn’t help, so I got “dressed” and then labored on the toilet for a few hours. I still did not make any progress. My Doula asked me if I even wanted to consider other options and I told her “No I’m going to do this the way I said I was!”. Even though I was in pain, I was determined to not give up. I was not going to give in to the modern way of birthing. In my head it didn’t matter how I felt or what was happening to me my baby was going to be birthed with no drugs in his system. I am a pretty stubborn person if you don’t know me. This is one major event in my life that started to teach me that I’m not in control. God is and sometimes he needs to show us that even if its painful for awhile. I was going to stand my ground despite putting myself through torture. A few more hours went by and I got to a 9. Once I reached the 9 problems really started. I got to 9.5 and was stuck for 4 hours. They “let me” start pushing now even though I really never stopped pushing. The top of my cervix was not thinning out. I kept bouncing between a 9 and 9.5. They had a nurse that they called the “Push Nazi” (I do not mean for that to be offensive) come in and work with me. They brought me the peanut ball and she worked with her hands to help thin things out. This was the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. To this day seeing or hearing the words peanut ball brings back flashbacks and the fight or flight mode kicks in. I was willing to try anything though to get this baby out naturally. I knew despite all of it, that if I accomplished my goal, it would be all worth it. She worked with me for a few hours and got my cervix to thin out, but when they checked me again a hour later I was back to the 9. All I kept saying to them was ” You mean to tell me if I push really hard, he could come out”. They were like “Ya maybe, but I don’t know”. I know they were trying to just encourage me but could hear the doubt in their voice. Eventually I made it to a full 10! I started to feel relieved but things weren’t going any quicker like I thought they would. My Doula started asking questions and they said Lincoln was not moving down far enough. They could feel his head but he just wouldn’t progress downwards. The midwife told me at this point my body is so exhausted that she really recommend a epidural. If that did not work we would try forceps and if that did not work a c-section. I told her I didn’t want any of it so she let me labor a little longer. Lincoln still did not progress he was stuck at a +2 and was not moving. The midwife came back in and said ” Your getting a epidural not because you want one, but because I’m telling you that you have to. Your body and baby are not changing. This is your best bet for a vaginal birth. If this does not work we will try forceps and then a c-section”. Again trying to control the situation I told her fine I would do the epidural but I was not having a c-section and she told me we would try to avoid it but that may be what we have to do. I was ready to fight. I was not going to have anyone tell me I cant birth this baby. My midwife really had to put her foot down with me. She spoke to my Doula and despite my stubbornness, I was logical enough to know that a epidural was better than a c-section. I was coming to the point of exhaustion and fighting just to fight, not because it made since any longer to do so. So here I was at a 10 and 25 hours into labor getting a epidural. They let me rest and sleep on the epidural for a hour which was honestly the best part of it all. I needed the rest and so did my birth team. They had labored beside me the whole time with no break. I was able to wake up with more strength and ready to have this baby. After I slept for about 45 min they had me push for another hour. Lincoln still did not progress and his heart rate was sky rocketing and the plummeting. The Midwife went and got the OB and he came in and took me to the surgical room to try forceps and prep me just in case of a c-section. Things started to get scary and I started to panic not because my baby was in danger (I honestly was not fully aware of his heart rate) but because I realized I lost all control. I felt my worse nightmare was about to happen. He tried the forceps for 2 contractions and said that it was not going to work and I was immediately moved to the c-section table. Once on the table the Doctor took his hand stuck it “up there” and shoved Lincoln back up into the birth canal. This was necessary since he had made some progress but not enough to be birthed. Wires started to be hooked up and meds were administered to numb me for the c-section. the first dose of meds were not enough so they gave me a second dose. I was in a full panic! I knew my birth dream had just came crashing down. I knew my baby would be exposed to all the medication I was. I knew delayed cord clamping, good bacteria from the birth canal, liquid being naturally forced out of the lungs, releasing of endorphins plus all other benefits of a vaginal birth were just ripped from us. I knew my chances of successfully nursing him also decreased since lots of c-section moms are not able to nurse due to the medications given. I knew he would not be immediately placed on my chest and the first thing to touch him would be a surgical glove. I was ANGRY. All I could do was grasp on to whatever I could think of in the moment to make things “Better”. Once the doctor cut me open and got in there to pull Lincoln out he said “O yeah there’s no way this baby was coming out”. He had a asynclitical head and was posterior. The entire time all this is happening I’m a balling panicked mess. The only one outside of my husband trying to help me was the doctor that administered my IV meds. She was trying her best to talk me though what was going on but I was so distraught I barley heard her even though she was right above my head speaking to me. All the other doctors and nurses in the room where having normal everyday conversation. They even asked my sons name and started talking about Abraham Lincoln and how there was a rummer he was homosexual. I was still in panic mode and irritated by the doctors conversation. I saw them lift my baby up and start suctioning out his mouth with a bulb syringe. This immediately heighten my anxiety even more because I knew most the time that’s unnecessary. Julian immediately jumped up from beside me to go to Lincolns side. That’s when I started to actually her the IV Doctor talking to me. She told me he had some meconium and that’s why they were suctioning out his mouth. I asked for him and they said I was not able to have him till they finished stitching me up. Julian and I already had a plan in place for him to do skin to skin with Lincoln if I was unable to. Julian’s instincts kicked right in and as soon as they let him Julian got him all tucked inside his shirt (I still think to this day that’s why Lincoln liked him better as a baby haha). Finally after what seamed like forever I was able to hold him. They placed him on my chest and instead of the immediate feeling of safety I felt fear. They had administered enough meds that I ended up being numb from my shoulders down. I was unable to hold my baby on my chest without the fear of dropping him. I not only had to have help holding him but I couldn’t actually feel him. I couldn’t hold my sweet newborn baby by myself. I yelled at the Doctor that I couldn’t pick up my arms. I was so scared they were going to let go of him thinking I would grab him and he would fall to the floor. I had to have the Doctor pick my arms up off the table to wrap around him. All I felt was weight and tingling. the feeling in my body started to slowly return and although I was thankful to have my baby, but I knew I lost all opportunities for any of the natural birth endorphins (that help create that early bond with a mother and child) to be released. I truly felt like a failure. I felt the immediate mom guilt of not giving my baby the “best” start. I started looking back and analyzing everything that happened trying to figure out where it went wrong and what I could have done differently. The guilt didn’t stop there. I felt ashamed to share my story with anyone, especially my natural birth groups. I felt like I would be judged for the way my birth went. The guilt continued for months after. I even scheduled a appointment to talk with the midwife and go over my birth to see if I could have changed anything. The answer was “No” of course. You see birth trauma was not a thing then. They didn’t recognize that as a problem a mom may have after birth. There was no suggestions or resources for me. The term was never mentioned. It wasn’t until years later I would hear the term. After a total of a 27 hour active labor and about 34 hrs total labor Lincoln was born on November 23rd, 2014 mine and Julians 6th wedding anniversary! We joke and say Lincoln wanted to be sentimental. That was one way I coped with the reality that I didn’t accomplish the birth I wanted. I tell you this story of Lincolns birth to let you know you are not alone. Birth Trauma is a real thing and it occurs more often than people realize. There is not a ton of accessible help out there yet but if we start expressing our need for this, things can change. I also suggest talking to your doctor if you feel any type of trauma, depression, anxiety, or baby blues from your birth. It is not showing weakness to ask for help. It is showing strength. I encourage all women to share your birth stories. You see, I’ve learned everyone’s story is different. No two births are the same. We can encourage each other and help develop a real expectation of what birth is really like. Some births are wonderful and some are traumatic but all births are beautiful. Bringing life into the world is a tough job but someones got to do it! Through it all I am truly thankful for medical intervention when it necessary. Typing this out makes me see a comparison of my birth to our relationship with God. If I would not have given up control or had it taken from me there is a possibility that me, Lincoln, or both of us may not be here today. I’ve always known that God has a plan for us and is in control. Sometimes is hard to give up control to him. We may fight it. We may give a little but still try to be “In Charge”. Ultimately its only when we give up full control of our lives and give ourselves over to God is he able to save us. We may think we know better and have our own idea of perfection in mind but if we live that way we will only live in misery. We wont ever get to truly live. We would be alive but not truly living at all. I’m asking you today. What do you need to give God control of? Yes it maybe painful and not easy but the outcome he has for you life may just be your life saver!!!!!

Uncategorized

I Don’t Wanna Go!!!

You know those moments that you HAVE to do something for your business. It’s not a choice but a obligation. It could be the going to the post office, setting up at a vendor event, doing a party, or in my case going to the kitchen. You literally have to pick your self up and drag yourself to the car. That was me today!!!! I didn’t want to go. I was dragging my feet on preparing everything to leave. I drug it out so bad I ended up not being able to get all my supplies so I couldn’t do a full 8 batches at the kitchen. That frustrated me even more and made me even mad that I had to go. I just started bawling in my living room to my husband.

You see it’s been one of those weeks (ok few weeks) where I just felt defeated. I didnt feel like I could win in any area. I struggled with my patience for my kids. My desire to just escape the house. My amazing husband encouraged it but then I feel bad for not spending time with him. I struggled with my frustration of not being able to help a friend who’s going through a lot more than I am. I was dealing with the emotions of seeing everyone start to have their babies after I lost mine. I have being frustrated with dieting cuse I know that I just have to do it otherwise I’ll look back and say “Well I wasted all that time! I could be where I want by now if I would have just done it then.” I struggled with my business. I was getting frustrated with to much inventory of one thing and not enough of another. I was frustrated that no one could help me in the kitchen today. I started hearing lies from the Devil of “You dont need this business”, “Why are you doing it anyway? Your not making a profit this year”, “Your taking time away from everyone else”, “Your being selfish”, “You wont succeeded with all the regulations anyways”. I could go on and on!!!!! However, I HAD TO GO! I had orders to fill and knew there were people depending on my product. I kicked my feet all the way there.

I’m here now. I’ve finished the first half of my work and now have a moment of peace. I play worship music while I work and anytime really. Today was different. Sometimes I sing along but today I’ve been quite. What I didnt realize until this moment was my spirtual cup was empty. I needed it filled. While I was moaning and groaning about having to work today God knew what he was doing. He was giving me some quite time by myself to just listen to the words of the music and let it fill my soul. To just have a moment where I had no distractions and nothing to focuse on except hearing his words.

I know somedays are hard. I know running a business is hard. What I know most though is that just showing up is the hardest part. Once you show up things just kick in a little. Your there and your mind and body just do what has to be done. The same is true with your relationship with God. You just have to show up. Once your there he can begin to fill your spirit. Then you just start doing what God calls you to. I encourage you. Keep showing up! Show up for God, your family, friends, and business. Find the blessings God gives you in each one and let that fill your soul.

Miscarriage

Finding Some Closure

January 1, 2019-

Finally feeling like I closed a chapter and am ready for a new one. I was talking to a friend today and she pointed out and asked if I knew what bees actually do. We talked for a minute about how they are so tiny but have such a huge impact on the environment around them. It’s amazing how small our Baby Bee was but how huge of a impact it made on our family. There is so much good that has come from Baby Bee. The main focus for me during the pregnancy was to prepare my home to be more functional, cleaner, and easy to maintain. Ideally I was preparing for a home birth. I was so scared that I would not be able to do it. That I would never have all main rooms clean at one time. That my environment would feel chaotic and stressful for a birth. However even through the loss I still worked for it. I knew that I had started a journey in this pregnancy that I had to complete. Whole my house is still not perfect, I cant proudly say “I’m leave for a VK with all main rooms of my house clean!!!” There is not even laundry to come home to. After getting all the cleaning was done (which was the original goal for the homebirth that I never thought I would complete) we got to celebrate the short time we did get to have with Baby Bee and the impact it had on us. We got this beautiful planter/bee house in remembrance of our Baby Bee. Mason bees (non stinging) will lay eggs and birth there babys in the bamboo shoots on the bottom. Planted in the top is all kinds of pollination flowers that will hopefully bloom in the spring. We are looking forward to nature receiving life from the remembrance of Baby Bee. We are now in the car on the way to the airport to Colorado for a week of family bonding and to refresh our minds and souls to see what the Lord has for us for 2019. Thank you everyone who has poured into us during this time. The words of encouragement, meals, and gifts. Our village is amazing and we could not be more thankful.

Miscarriage

Being Transparent

December 12, 2018- Handling the miscarriage today was hard emotionally and physically. I had a doctors appointment, we spent some needed time with family, and went to look at Christmas lights with some friends at a small display. I did okay. I was feeling okay. I wanted to try and be “normal” for the day but the waves of emotions hit in the doctors office. They hit in conversations with friends. They hit really hard when I arrived home. It’s the end of the day I was tired (because I really probably did to much). Julian goes back to work tomorrow and the thought of parenting alone tomorrow is a little overwhelming. I cried. I cried a lot. I spent time in my prayer closet with God asking him all kinds of questions telling him everything I was feeling. BEING TRANSPARENT WITH HIM. You see I finally understood that if I dont become transparent with God how can I be with anyone else. How can God use me if I’m not giving him my all, including my feelings. ALL MY FEELINGS the good, bad, and ugly! You see God wants us to tell him our thoughts and feelings. Just like we crave that relationship with our children, he craves it with us. When I was crying out to the Lord in my closet I heard the Lord say “Open your bible”. I reached for it and realized it was not in my closet with me. I huffed out of frustration (because it was not conveniently there) but got up to go get it. When I came back and sat down to read nothing seemed to apply. I was like “Okay God what are you tell me” suddenly Lincoln walked in. He opened my closet door and I asked what he was doing. He said he had a song to sing. His song was a prayer. After his prayer he asked me to read him a story of baby Jesus. After the story he told me he wanted to love and cuddle me and make me feel better because he knew Baby Bee was not in my belly anymore (yes we told him yesterday morning but was not sure if he fully understood). My heart was broken and full at the same time. He has barely seen me cry (and never anything more than a few small tears rolling down my face) as I never wanted to put that responsibility on him. I knew in that moment why God said “open your bible”. It never was for me to receive anything from it but for me to minister to my son when he walked in. It was a filling moment for me to realize I may not understand why I’m going through things, but my example to my children of how to handle the curve balls life throws at you means more to me than understanding the why behind my trial. Life is full of trials but when you have a foundation to stand on you know your trials will pass and your creator is there. He sees you and your pain but when you run to him you will find comfort and healing. I’m building that foundation in my children now. I’m thankful for the doors God opens to allow me to minister to my children. So if you’ve made it through this long drawn out post here’s a pic of my sweet, loving, and silly little boy.